Pixie's Pain

Breakdown

2005-11-20T18:47:05Z

*The real reason I left Tampa. I was failing. I couldn't make ends meet anymore. I've been in that situation before and came out fine a few times in my three years there. The difference this time? I wasn't happy anymore. To make matters worse, I was in a situation where my actions weren't just effecting me, but my aunt and uncle as well. It is one thing to fail. It is another to bring innocent people down with you.

*Basically, I woke up and decided I was going to move back to Jacksonville in two weeks. Lick my wounds and fix what I could about me. The one thing I never wanted to do in my life. I just couldn't handle things anymore for some reason. I was having break downs a lot . . . still am.

*Today I woke up, already burned out on a job I've had a little over a week. I go to get ready and I find my only pair of work pants ruined from when they were washed. I started panicking and crying, woried if I couldn't make it in I'd be fired. Then I paused. I've been making less than $15 a day at this job so far. I barely have enough to cover gas. This is trivial. I've barely been working there. I don't care what they think of me.

*I got dressed in normal clothing and went to a much closer shopping plaza and started applying at places. EB Games said they'd get back to me very soon, within the next couple of days. I'm hoping for that one most.

Angry

2005-10-18T18:09:13Z

*I'm very angry, and confused, and I hate life. I don't have any right to be angry, but at the same time I do. I hate this. I hate it with a fucking passion. Fall for someone with ambitions and direction in life and they leave you. How can that not make me angry?

:)

2005-09-13T18:18:07Z

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silverpixiefly @ 2004-02-12T02:41:00

2004-02-12T07:42:48Z

FuCK

silverpixiefly @ 2004-02-05T03:31:00

2004-02-05T08:36:11Z

You think I'm laughing as we chat on aim, but you are so fucking wrong. I'm on the verge of tears right now. It's like a bitter sweet joke. I almost hate you but I don't know why. I'm so fucking irratated. I hate this. I hate this feeling. I hate everyone. EVERYONE JUST DIE.

silverpixiefly @ 2004-01-26T08:53:00

2004-01-26T13:54:02Z

To see more, check out my greatest journal.

silverpixiefly @ 2004-01-25T18:07:00

2004-01-25T23:08:11Z

This is very close to a possible tattoo

No, I'm not hurt

2004-01-09T06:40:58Z

*Thankfully I didn't thaw out my heart, so the most that got hurt is my pride. . . I think, I hope. Someone got a little too close tho. It's all good. I'll just do what I always do in this situation. *smiles* I really am getting good at bouncing back. The only thing that pisses me off is now I want to be all cuddle-y. WTF?! That is so not me. Maybe he got to me more than I wanna admit. It's all ok. I'll survive. I hope.

silverpixiefly @ 2004-01-08T01:33:00

2004-01-08T06:46:26Z

*I'm on the verge of tears right now. Kinda really upset. I'm hoping that by venting I won't have to cry.

*So, I'm talking to someone who I was pretty interested in. We had been slightly bickering back and forth all day, but it was all good cuz he's having a very bad day and doesn't want to discuss why. You know kool, whatever. I can respect that.

*Out of nowhere he asks how much I like him, so I answer, "a lot". He asks again, and I answer again. Then somehow, he asks if i like him enough to let him move in for like a month. Well, I care about all my friends enough to offer that, so I'm like yea. But now I'm kinda worried. I mean, he was having a bad day and didn't want to discuss it and then asks something like this. . . my mind wandered a lil. So I have him call me to see what the fuck it is . . . He just wanted to see my reaction.

*OK, so now I feel like an utter dumb ass. You think that would be bad enough, but when I express how sick minded I thought what he did was, he proceeds to tell me I am over reacting. To top it off, he starts laughing while ge says it. Never laugh at someone as stubborn and prideful and me. That really, really fucking stings.

*Fuck boys. Thats why I don't like to date. Thats why I don't like to trust them. Thats why I'm trying not to cry. Maybe I was overreacting and still am, but he didn't have to laugh.

BoB ThE MiGhTy83: well that sucks for most guys then if you dont date anymore
SilverPixie Moon: *blush*

I just prayed to the porceline god. . .

2004-01-06T08:43:18Z

*I just had a vomit fest while at work. It really sucked. Now my throat hurts like a bitch.

*Relationships cause DRAMA. I don't just mean the crap between Van and Kyle. The whole thing w/ Toby and Tiffy is pretty whack too, but I refuse to take sides. I hope they know I am there for both of them.

*As for me and relationships. . . once again, I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I actually kinda like someone, but I don't wanna open up. When you open up you get hurt.

silverpixiefly @ 2003-12-17T23:06:00

2003-12-18T04:09:13Z

*So I finally get in touch w/ Patrick after he was a no show last saturday. Turns out he has a girl now who just threatened me over text messaging i think. She wrote, "You best lose my man's number" I'm like "WTF?". . . Mostly cuz I was NEVER even into him as more than a friend. Just a little pissed cuz the bitch assumes I want to steal her man. I even told him out right I wasn't into him like that. . .

*Oh well. So much for meeting more ppl my age in town.

WTF?

2003-12-09T11:25:24Z

I just remembered why I blocked you. . . .

*SCREAMS*

*CRIES*

This was my own doing. . . .

I'm not sad, I just want to write

2003-12-06T22:34:58Z

*I had another nightmare w/ my father. Only this time it had a twist. The dream started out like normal, w/ my father trying to harm my siblings and I. Only this time I attacked back. I was scared to death, but I attacked him. It was so easy. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting stronger.

*I know it's the Holiday Season, but I can't feel it. There is a reason my mother and I hate this time of year. We both miss her parents so dearly. This was always there time of year. They would be so ashamed to see how numb my mother and I have become to the holidays.

*Mom wasn't at first. She used to try so hard to make it like her parents would. It was too much for her though. And when things wouldn't go right she would be devistated. I remember the first time I broke down. It was when I was going through my huge depression in high school. I told her I couldn't do it anymore, that being cheerful was eating me up when I felt so empty. She started bawling out tears, "Don't do this, to me Besty! Don't do this. I NEED YOU. You are my rock. It's so hard to keep it together during this time of year. I miss my mommy and daddy so much. It's all I can do to keep smiling. Please- If you fall apart, then I will to." I think that is when I realized my mom was human.

*I may hate this time of year, but I hide that around mom now. I devote myself to making my family happy for Christmas Eve and Day. It's become much easier since dad has been taken out of the picture. We started a new tradition last year- Christmas Eve dinner at OutBack. Hopefully next year mom will start coming here. Who knows, I may enjoy Christmas again one day.

silverpixiefly @ 2003-11-21T18:50:00

2003-11-21T23:52:16Z

FUCK YOU!

silverpixiefly @ 2003-11-14T18:37:00

2003-11-14T23:36:05Z

*There is no worse feeling than that of being used. Aside from losing faith in ALL MALE KIND. . . again.

Arg

2003-11-08T01:36:03Z

*Ian (Dadxer) definately know how to press my buttons. It all started on Adrian's LJ. He was posting about my party and how Jared needs a ride. I'm still not sure why Ian even made a comment. I've completely left him be until now. That and he dissed my bust size on my lj. I deleted the comment. (I started laugh tho, cuz the boob comment is so tru. Thats why I decided earlier to finally get implants)

*Anyways, I guess everything first started when I was told Ian was telling everyone he was trying to get me in the sack or something. That was all the way back at Adam's Jacon Party. Jake, Jared, and Phil were all, "You're the Pixie that Ian likes! He keeps saying y'all are gonna fuck," and stuff like that. At first I was all "whatever, yea right" cuz Ian and I were pretty close friends. None the less, I did ask him about it and he denied it.

*Then I got a crush on his bestfriend and he got all pissed. He was all worried Jake was gonna take his place. (There is no way in hell I'd do the things w/ Ian that I wanted to w/ Jake) In reality, Jared was taking Ian's place and my "lil' bro". I got pretty annoyed w/ Ian always interupting my phone convos w/ Jake by throwing pennies at Jake and screaming "I hate you" really loud. (Can we get anymore childish?) Plus, I was repeatedly told Ian was telling ppl I was gonna fuck him at MegaCon.

*I think what hurt the most wasn't that he was saying all that stuff, but that when he would deny it he would get all high and mighty and be like "How dare you accuse me of such things!? Who is telling you this?" Then, after AFO 4, Carl confirmed what the other 3 had said again.

*Meanwhile, I had asked a few of my chic friends to talk to Ian and booste his esteem w/ girls. It started ou good w/ them, but w/in a month they were all pretty annoyed with him. "He's too depressing," or, "Why does he always diss himself" They were actually kinda put out with me cuz of it.

*I think he was pretty mad when I didn't invite him to the PJ party, but neither Jake nor one of my chic friends wanted him there.

*Ever since then things have been going downhill. I tried at one point asking if he wanted to start things over (i felt sorry for him a lil'), but he had such an attitude about it. Again with the high and mighty routine. So, I gave up. Then he starts shit on someone else's lj and tries his whole "high and mighty" and "its never MY fault, its YOURS" shit. I feel sorry for him.

*After venting like this, I feel a lot better.

I wonder how many ppl actually read this.

2003-11-01T23:56:49Z

*Feeling lonely again. It's cuz I miss my mom. Worse, the nightmares started again. The night before last. I woke up feeling sick. It was two separate dreams that melded into one. As usually, my father was trying to kill me and my family. I used to have normal nightmares. Now ALL of my nightmares are drenched with visions of my father. He's not even in my life and he still torments me. I just want to cry.

*A few days ago the boss called me into work to discuss possibly changing my schedule. I ended up getting lectured on how I should go back to school (despite that she never went) and I should climb the coporate latter. She sounded like my dad. I started to feel sick. My supervisor sensed something was wrong and tried to convince my boss to pick a new subject.

*I'm also quite hungry from the lack of food in my house. I just have to make everything last until Thursday. *crosses fingers*

On the verge of tears

2003-10-22T02:30:41Z

*I don't reconize my face anymore. I don't know who I am. . .

*I had a serries of horrible dreams last night. I kept waking up in tears. Not because the dreams were scary (and they were), but because of how lonely I've become.

*Josh likes a girl. I know its not me. There is so much I want to say right now. So much I want to scream. I saw this coming, tho. Ever since he visitted, he didn't IM me as much. He never calls anymore. He told me from the begining that he couldn't date me. . .

*I feel like no one wants me past a fuck. Thats all Matt wanted, and Esteban. I don't know anymore. Maybe thats all I'm good for.

Le Sigh

2003-10-18T01:18:20Z

I work nights now, so I've missed quite a bit. Can someone plz catch me up.

silverpixiefly @ 2003-10-03T18:47:00

2003-10-03T22:46:44Z

*I'm getting better and better at this. Complete control over my emotions is all I want right now.

silverpixiefly @ 2003-09-24T16:47:00

2003-09-24T20:49:03Z

*I luv ya, Chicago. You just always txt or call when I am busy. I've been busy a lot lately.

*I tried flirting with Tony last night just to get my ego stroked. I mean, I don't actually have any intrest in him (other than a friend) and I'm being given the "You are too far away" line. Fuck you! All of you!

*I should start being like that with you boys. Picking at shit. Telling everyone what I really think. I deserve to be worshipped you fuckers. Fuck you.

silverpixiefly @ 2003-09-23T18:32:00

2003-09-23T22:31:23Z

I need a fanclub. . . seriously.

silverpixiefly @ 2003-09-12T21:28:00

2003-09-13T01:27:59Z

*Work is soooo boring. At least my phone is back on. I'm just so nervous about Kwesi. He makes me feel very uneasy. And I feel so bad for poor Mike. ;_;

silverpixiefly @ 2003-09-06T15:27:00

2003-09-06T19:33:17Z

*I'm finally to the point where I care less and less if anyone says anything about me that isn't possitive. I figure we are all guilty of it at some point in our lives, and everything always comes full circle. The trick is to just ignore it.

*The more I think about all the guys I've been flirting with guys the more I think about Derek. It's so stupid. He's younger than me. I shouldn't be crushing on him. Plus, I don't want to be the girl who royally burns him. Then again, I could teach him a thing or two. I'm really good at acting with guys in the bedroom. I could give him uber confidence when it comes to future girls. Or am I just being selfish?

silverpixiefly @ 2003-09-05T20:24:00

2003-09-06T00:22:55Z

*I write a long ass entry and LJ eats it. *sighs* And that was the last fucking straw.

FUCK IT! Rant Time

*I hate my job! They are trying hard to screw me over. Fuck Them! I want that damn night shift and I WILL get it. This will be the LAST Friday I am forced to go to bed at 7 am only to drag my ass back to work by 4pm. Next person to call me and piss me off is gonna hear a lot of profanity.

*I'm pretty sure I'm going to Orlando again on Monday to see Derek (if he can skip skool). If not, I'm locking myself in my house for the day. Fuck everyone else. Hell, if my family wasn't coming in town tonight I'd lock my self in and just cry then.

*I'm feeling extremely tired, on edge, and pretty alone. I could fix the alone part pretty easy, tho. I shouldn't complain. I just don't want to use anyone right now. *sigh*

And before I go:

FUCK OFF!